Acts of helping may look alike from the outside, yet come from very different motives. Am I doing it because I am seeking my own path? Because I want to be appreciated? Because I feel a sense of responsibility? Or because this is how I can express my love?
I use the four stages of spiritual service to understand these differences. I do not wish to rank people, nor am I setting out a path of development which everyone follows at some point in exactly the same order. In any given situation, we may have several different motivations at play within us.
I’m setting off for my own sake
The first step is turning inwards, towards ourselves. Something is missing; we have questions, or the solutions we’ve used in the past no longer help us enough. We look for books, we study, and we try to find the path with which we can truly connect.
At times like this, our main priority is to make sense of our own lives. When we talk to others about what we have discovered, we may be sharing our joy or our newfound interest rather than consciously helping them.
There is no shame in this. Recognising our own needs can be an important part of the journey. In the process, we can also examine how we interpret our difficulties: do we see them as a punishment, or are we gradually able to ask ourselves other questions?
I’d like people to look up to me
At the second stage, we already have experience that we feel is valuable, and we would like to pass it on. Along with this, a desire for recognition may also arise: it feels good to be seen as knowledgeable, special or indispensable.
The question is not whether one should be pleased to receive recognition. Rather, it is what happens when maintaining that recognition becomes more important than the other person’s independence.
Can I be happy for the other person if they’re managing just fine without me? Do I share what I can responsibly offer, or do I hold something back so that they’ll still need me? Do I remain open to learning, or am I already defending the role I’ve established for myself?
In this model, the ego also refers to our attachment to our self-image and sense of importance. Even whilst trusting in higher guidance, we may notice a desire to remain in control. Recognising this tension can be a first step towards change.
I’m passing this on out of a sense of responsibility
At the third stage, a sense of responsibility may become more pronounced. I value what I have come to understand, and I would like it to be of benefit to others as well. It matters to me that what I say is consistent with the way I live my life.
From my spiritual perspective, this may also include trust in higher guidance. I try to learn from whatever I encounter, without feeling the need to label every event as good or fair.
Nevertheless, it may be the case that the act of giving stems more from a sense of duty. ‘I know this now, so it’s up to me to help.’ In such cases, it is also worth asking whether I really am the right person for the job, whether I have the knowledge and strength to do so, and whether my help is actually being sought.
Responsibility does not necessarily mean taking on more. Sometimes it simply means recognising one’s limits or directing someone towards a different kind of help.
I am here out of love
The fourth step is characterised by service undertaken with joy. I give not primarily to prove my worth, but because my love can find its natural expression in this connection.
At times like these, what I have learnt and my lived experiences can become increasingly aligned. Helping others is not merely a task, but an activity through which I also come to recognise myself.
However, this does not mean that we are inexhaustible. Even when we serve with joy, we can still grow weary, and rest is not a sign of a lower spiritual level. Service can be at the heart of our lives without everything else having to take a back seat.
Not demanding something in return is not the same as giving without boundaries. Even when we work out of love, we can still have clear agreements, boundaries and our own needs.
For me, therefore, these four steps are not an exam in which we have to achieve increasingly better marks. Rather, they are four questions designed to help us see more clearly: what am I offering right now, and what does the person I am turning to really need?
With love,
Georgina
Soul4you