Love isn’t just for those grand moments. It can be seen in the way we listen to someone, accept their help, bring an old chapter to a close, or finally take our own needs seriously.
Sometimes the hardest thing is actually recognising these opportunities. Not because we know so little about love, but because in that particular situation, a different response has become familiar.
Love includes me too
For me, turning towards ourselves with love also means asking: how am I doing in the life I lead? Is there anything I’m doing simply out of habit, whilst drifting further and further away from my true self?
Setting off in a different direction isn’t always easy. But when we make a new decision, we can realise that our own needs matter too.
I therefore regard self-love as an important starting point, rather than a test we must pass in order to earn the love of others. We can still love and be loved whilst we are still learning how to treat ourselves.
Yet it matters what we draw on when we give. Our attention, our time and our energy are all limited. If we constantly help others whilst neglecting our own needs, giving can easily become exhausting.
For me, love is not about proving how much we can give. Resting, accepting help and saying ‘no’ can all be part of ensuring we can remain in each other’s lives in the long term.
What does love add?
In his First Letter to the Corinthians, Paul places knowledge, faith and acts of generosity alongside love, asking what they amount to without it; he then writes: ‘Love is patient and is kind.’ (1 Corinthians 13:1–4, World English Bible, British Edition).
To me, this does not mean that knowledge or action is pointless. Rather, it draws attention to the inner state from which we do what we do.
We may well be right, even whilst failing to listen to the other person. We may offer help whilst actually expecting recognition in return. And we may give something we think is needed, without asking what the other person actually wants.
For me, the question of love in these situations does not begin with a grand gesture. It begins with whether I am truly paying attention to the person in front of me.
Patience does not mean having no boundaries
The hymn to love also speaks of hope, perseverance and the enduring nature of love (1 Corinthians 13:7–8, World English Bible, British Edition).
I don’t interpret this as a call to put up with everything in a relationship. Respect for the other person’s dignity and maintaining our own boundaries can go hand in hand.
Treating someone with kindness does not mean condoning everything they have done. Nor does forgiveness make reconciliation compulsory, just as gratitude does not erase the pain that was caused.
When an old story speaks for us
In this essay, I associate the concept of the ego with the image we hold of ourselves and our habitual defences. I do not regard it as a separate enemy that we must defeat.
It may be that, during a current encounter, we are focusing on an old grievance, or are already weighing up what we might get from the other person. At times like this, what is actually happening between us can be pushed into the background.
This does not make the pain of the past any less real, nor is planning for the future a mistake. The question is whether we realise when these things are already deciding for us how we will respond.
The defences we recognise within ourselves can thus serve as a guide. They can show us where we still need attention, understanding or support.
To give and to receive
For me, there is a place for learning in the practice of love. By this I do not mean constantly sustaining a perfect feeling, but rather, for example, that we learn to ask questions more thoughtfully, to express ourselves more honestly, and to accept when we need others.
Over time, these ways of relating may become more natural. Their value lies not in the fact that they are always easy, but in the fact that we seek a genuine connection through them.
For me, the power of love does not mean that we must be inexhaustible. It means that, by turning towards one another, we do not have to bear everything alone.
With love,
Georgina
Soul4you